Legacy of OZZZZZZ!
by Luke the warrior
Summary: Updated....again, This time we meet Janos ,THE COWARDLY ANCIENT!, and flatulence saves Kain's life
1. Trip to Ozoth

Legacy of Ozzzzzzzzzzz  
  
Disclaimer: Neither I nor blood of angels own any of the rights or characters to LoK or the wizard of oz else we would be rich and raking in a load of dough so sue and die  
  
Written by: Kouga-Chan  
  
Co-written by: Blood of Angels  
  
Kouga-Chan: HEY GUYS!!! I Wrote this story for your Lust (SLAPS SELF) I MEAN..umm.watch *SLAP* Oww...for your comedic enjoyment..I and my friend PROUDLY PRESENT **DRAMATIC MUSIC**  
  
LEGACY OF OZZZZZZZZ  
  
Chapter 1: Trip to Ozgoth! Blood of Angels: in technicolor  
  
Kouga-Chan: that made no sense but whatever  
  
Blood of Angels: oh and all of you who would be tempted to flame beware I bite GRRRRRRRR!  
  
Kouga-Chan: Anyway the cast is as follows  
  
Kain - Dorothy (awww poor him well we won't gender swap him just yet)  
  
SR Raziel - Scarecrow  
  
Vorador - Evil Leader of the Flying Monkeys  
  
Janos - Cowardly Lion  
  
Moebius - Wicked Witch of the West (who will die in horrible ways I promise)  
  
Sarafan Lord - Wicked Witch of the East and Mrs.Sarafan (will die horribly as well)  
  
Umah -Sluttish Witch of the North (we mean good witch but hey does umah fit that description?)  
  
Malek - Tin Man (well duh, betcha saw that one coming)  
  
Sebastian - The Fortune Teller  
  
Rahab and Dumah - Dorothy's family  
  
Zephon and Turel - Farmhands  
  
Magnus - Oz (just couldn't resist)  
  
Marcus-Toto  
  
All Sarafan - Munchkins  
  
Ancients - Evil Flying Monkeys ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Our story begins in rural Kainsas where our vampire friend is brooding over how much he hates pigtails  
  
Kain: my beautiful, beautiful hair they just had to go and mess with it well we hates them, WE HATES THEM ALL AND WE WILL KILLS THEM!  
  
Kain starts walking a fence rail suddenly Dumah comes out and sees him walking the fence  
  
Dumah: get off that rail kain you'll fall and break your neck, *under breath* not that we would mind  
  
Kain: *falls off and hits head on metal pipe that appears from nowhere* damn pipe!  
  
Rahab: what did you say?  
  
Kain:I said damn pipe, probably yours anyway *another damn pipe appears and falls on him*  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: GET THE HELL ON WITH THE STORY!  
  
Kain: eepp.uh right away most powerful author, anyway that damn old hag Mrs.Sarafan threatened to take my precious Marcus away *gestures towards his evil dog who is currently ripping the seat out of Zephon's pants*  
  
Dumah:well it's about time *kicks marcus* bad dog don't dare pee on my carpet  
  
*suddenly an evil presence is felt Mrs.Sarafan is here*  
  
Mrs.Sarafan:your stupid dog chased all my precious sluagh around the county so I have filed a report with the sherrif, he says I can take your dog!  
  
Kain: nooooo not Marcus, you won't really take him away will you *cries* owwwie wowwie god damn it, IT BURNS!  
  
Zephon: *bemoaning the loss of his pants* kill the dog, kill the dog ,kill the dog  
  
*kain kills zephon*  
  
Zephon: ouchies *dies*  
  
*kain leaves the room still yelling about how "IT BURNS!!!!!(p.s.!!!!!!!!!!)"*  
  
Rahab: I've been wanting to say some bad things about you but being a good baptized person ,damn that hurt most painful point in my life, I just can't say it! Oh well..GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU WHORE!  
  
*Mrs.Sarafan leaves with Marcus*  
  
Kain: damn them all they took my precious Marcus away and we hates them, we will throttle them in their sleep we will  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The scene opens, Mrs.Sarafan is riding down the road on her bike and has Marcus in her basket  
  
*Marcus jumps out and bites Mrs.Sarafan on the hand then runs*  
  
Kain: Marcus? Oh it is Marcus!, we must run away!  
  
Marcus: Bow-wow  
  
Kain: I'll take that as a yes  
  
***Later that day***  
  
Kain notices a large wagon with a sign on it's side it reads  
  
"The Great Sebastian, Fortune Teller and proud member of Gay Pride Universal"  
  
Kain: let's go in Marcus  
  
*a man is sitting inside he has on a tie die "Gay Pride Turban", enigmatic tie die robes and is staring at a crystal ball*  
  
Kain: are you a fortune teller?  
  
Sebastian: I am the great Sebastian, I see all, know all, and tell all, for a price of course  
  
Kain: Don't you dare touch that Vaseline!  
  
Sebastian: damn, I suppose you want me to tell your fortune?  
  
Kain: well DUH! Why else would I be here?  
  
Sebastian: just sit down and gaze into the crystal ball..gaze deeply...concentrate on it alone *stealthily looks at a picture of Kain's family*  
  
Kain: all I see is a bunch of misty shit  
  
Sebastian: well duh!.....I'm the one that does the seeing, now let's see, I can see your family, they are worried about you, you should go home, there is great danger! you must go now!, if you run away no one can support them in their senility  
  
Kain: I suppose I have no choice do I?  
  
Sebastian: uhhhh no not really  
  
Kain: ahh fuck...alright I'm going  
  
Sebastian: goodbye little girl  
  
Kain: GRRRRRR!  
  
Sebastian: eeepp uhh I mean uhhh goodbye little cross dressing boy  
  
*kain kills Sebastian*  
  
Sebastian: ouchies *dies*  
  
Kain: come on Marcus  
  
Sebastian: wait, I'm not dead yet, I'M NOT DEAD YET  
  
*kain rips sebastian's gullet out*  
  
Sebastian: ok I'm dead now *dies for real*  
  
*as kain runs home a large tornado appears from somewhere over the gravestone*  
  
Tornado: BLOOOOOOWWWWWOOOOO BLOOOOWWOOOOOO  
  
Author: what the.. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
  
Tornado: sooooorryyy, jeez I though special effects would help  
  
*author hits tornado on head with the Soul Reaver*  
  
Tornado: ouchies I'll be good now  
  
Author:that's better, ahhem now If you'll excuse me we'll get back to the story  
  
Kain:where is everyone?  
  
*meanwhile*  
  
Rahab, Zephon, Turel, and Dumah are huddling in a tornado shelter  
  
Rahab: this sucks  
  
Dumah:yeah I know  
  
Turel: hey wait a second here, how is Zephon alive when Kain killed him up there?  
  
Author:uhhhh ummmm uhhh a uhh A PARADOX!  
  
Turel: right.. well you promised Raziel no more paradoxs so..  
  
Author: oohhh well sorry Zephon *hits zephon over the head with the CHEESY MALLET OF DOOM!!!!* (DUNNN DUNNDUNNNNNNNNNNN)  
  
Zephon:ouchieeeesssssss!!!! **GAG COUGH GAG HACK HACK** damn you! *dies*  
  
Turel: nooooooo he was too young! Boohoo *cries* OWWWW FUCK IT BURNS LIKE HELL *runs out into tornado and dies*  
  
*scene changes back to kain in the house*  
  
Kain: Hellooooo, HELLLLOOOOO, GOD DAMN IT WHERE THE F**K ARE YOU PEOPLE?!  
  
Tornado: BLOOOOOOOO BLOOOOO  
  
Kain: ahhh crapsa a talking tomato uhh I mean tornado what next a homo flying on a snake staff?  
  
*as the tornado picks up the house kain sees an old man in brown robes flying on a snake staff as well as an 8 on his forehead*  
  
Kain: just had to ask didn't I?  
  
Moebius: guess so Kainy  
  
Kain: ahhhh how did you know that name?  
  
Moebius: I am the great Moebius, I know all see all and tell all for a price of course  
  
Kain: GOD WHAT IS IT WITH YOU FAKE GAY PSHCHICS!  
  
*suddenly Mrs.Sarafan is seen on her bike riding and cackling like an insane person*  
  
Kain: oh my god the world is coming to an end *faints*  
  
*house comes down and smashes Mrs. Sarafan A.K.A The Sarafan Lord*  
  
Sarafan Lord: OWWWIEE OWWIE OUCHIES *gets squished flat and dies*  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Blood of Angels: it will take some time to get the next chapter done so be patient, oh and click that little review button and use it you know you want to  
  
Kouga-Chan: and remember flamers you will die if you flame this story, blood of angels is very good at dissecting flames and analyzing your idiocy in public, he even runs a business for it so don't flame  
  
Kain:please please don't review they are insane!  
  
Blood of Angels: ahhhemmm kain wrong words *strokes Soul Reaver menacingly*  
  
Kain:eeepp uhh please please review, my life is at stake here people please please please! 


	2. The Saramunchkins and the JellO Brick Ro...

Legacy of OZZZZZZZZZZ  
  
Chapter 2: The Saramunchkins and the Jell-O Brick Road  
  
Kouga-Chan: first to acknowledge reviewers  
  
Blood of Angels: ok here they are ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Tom T.Thompson: yes I agree but I'm kinda confoozed, the guy who hangs himself? If you would give us that character's name we would gladly let you know  
  
Kaya De Crystalline: You'd love more? You think it has potential? Glad to oblige you with more, and the dress idea was Blood of Angels' glad you like  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^  
  
Blood of Angels: now for our next chapter, please enjoy and remember reviews with helpful criticisms are welcome, but flames will be publicly mutilated  
  
Kouga-Chan: now lets get down to business  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
*with a sickening crunch the house lands in a strange place*  
  
Kain*dizzily*: ouhhhhh, man..I feel like im gonna hurl, wait a second wrong lines...ahem ahem...Marcus I don't think we're in Kainsas anymore, god damn this dress is killing me, plaid just isn't me  
  
Saramunchkin: Oh my, oh my oh my you smashed my Jell-O garden  
  
Kain: screw your garden, where am I?  
  
Saramunchkin: oh my oh my, oh dearie dearie me this won't do! My poor garden, and what's this, OH MY GOD YOU KILLED HER!  
  
Kain:who? Was it someone important?  
  
Saramunchkin:oh no no no no no! you killed her!  
  
Kain:who is this demonic her you refer to?  
  
Saramunchkin: eep, I can scarce say it, the wicked witch of the east!  
  
*Saramunchkins pop out of everywhere* Saramunchkins:OOOOOOOHHHHHH SAY NOT THE WORD OF CURSE!  
  
Kain:oh you mean the tin can on a broomstick? I didn't kill her the house did  
  
House:don't look at me your fat ass fell on me and then her  
  
Kain:take that back, wait does this dress really make me look fat?  
  
House:well lets say elephant is an understatement  
  
*kain kills house*  
  
House:ackk!  
  
Kain:that's better, now what do I do?  
  
*suddenly all the saramunchkins begin singing and bowing to kain*  
  
Kain: hey, HEY! What the hell is this?  
  
Saramunchkins:you killed her, you killed her, oh mighty mighty,uhhh.what's your name  
  
Kain:ummmm I'm kain  
  
Saramunchkins: ahh yes much better, YOU KILLED HER, YOU KILLED HER, OH MIGHTY TIGHTY KAINY!  
  
Kain:ohhh k this has gone far enough, just shut up now..ummm you're not shutting up...wait you're still not shutting up...SHUT UP!  
  
*saramunchkins shut up*  
  
Kain:that's better  
  
*suddenly an evil cackling is heard*  
  
Moebius *on snake staff*: AH HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHHEH, so my pretties you've killed my lover, well you'll die for that  
  
*Moebius lands his snake staff and walks over to the sarafan lord's ruby greaves*  
  
Moebius: oh well now they are mine, AH HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHHEH  
  
*suddenly a flash and umah appears*  
  
Umah: wait, you can't take those magic greaves  
  
Moebius: oh yes I can *greaves appear on kain and the sarafan lord's legs shrivel up*  
  
Moebius:ackkk, no my greaves..you'll pay for this!  
  
Umah: nuh uh uh, bad witch you can't kill their wearer  
  
Moebius: well, I'll get you my pretty, I'LL GET YOU! COUGH COUGH* disappears in a cloud of smoke*  
  
Kain: well that was random  
  
Umah: you must guard these greaves kain, don't take them off  
  
Kain: fine, but I'd rather go home, where should I go?  
  
*he notices umah has disappeared several sentences earlier*  
  
Kain: damn, where do I go now?  
  
Saramunchkin Mayor: do you want to see the wizard of Noz? He might be able to help you  
  
Kain: if he can send me home I'll go, just point me in his direction  
  
Saramunchkins: just follow the Jell-O brick road!  
  
Kain: the what?  
  
Saramunchkin Mayor: follow me I'll show you  
  
*Saramunckins take kain to a road made completely out of grape Jell-O*  
  
Kain:what the? Oh  
  
*Kain steps on the road and his foot sinks in*  
  
Kain:I don't think this is going to work  
  
Saramunchkin Mayor: wait a second *suddenly the road hardens and kain is stuck in it*  
  
Kain: you could have let me get off of it but noooo you had to trap me in it!  
  
Saramunchkin Mayor: ummm oops * lets kain out *  
  
*all saramunchkins start singing*  
  
Kain: wait, wait NOOOO ARGHHH MY EARS!  
  
Saramunchkins: follow the Jell-O Brick Road, follow follow...  
  
Kain: achhh shut up shut up SHUT UP *kills all the saramunchkins*  
  
Kain: ummm ooops  
  
*Kain starts walking down the road* 


	3. Scare Reaver and Tin Malek

Legacy of OZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  
  
The Scare Reaver and Tin Malek  
  
Kouga-Chan: weeeeeeerrrrrrreeeee baaaaaaaaaaack!  
  
Blood of Angels: and now for something completely different  
  
Kouga-Chan: shut up!....ahem..well now I have to apologize to our reviewers for making them wait..  
  
Blood of Angels: do you know how hard it is to convince Kouga-Chan to update...I do..but anyway now for review responses  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Tom T. Thompson: Random guy? Well that sounds like something you'd find in concept of a demon's parodies.and yes we do intend to keep kain in character.brooding evil kain IS GOOD!  
  
Angel-Chan2:Yes the Jell-O brick road is a funny and we do intend to continue..hey Angel-Chan2 and Kouga-Chan..Coincidence..or FATE!  
  
Raziel: fate? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
*kain is seen skipping down the now hardened Jell-O brick road, suddenly he trips and bounces*  
  
Kain: whoa...bouncy bouncy bounce...*realizes what he is doing*ummmm ahem hem..BAD ROAD DIE!  
  
*kain kills the road and resumes walking*  
  
Kain: god damn this place is boring  
  
*kain sees raziel tied to a large pole*  
  
Raziel: hello..is anyone there..HELLO!  
  
Kain: who the hell are you?  
  
Raziel: wait a minute.don't tell me..you're kain right?  
  
Kain: uhhhh what's it to you?  
  
Raziel: come here...YOU BASTARD I'LL RIP YOU'RE THROAT OUT!!!  
  
Kain: eeeppp..ok I'm leaving now  
  
Raziel: no wait don't leave.. NOOOOOOOO! Kain: what?.....this had better be good  
  
Raziel: can you at least let me down.I've been tied to this pole for a long time.PLEASE!  
  
Kain: why should I?  
  
Raziel: because if you don't the author will send you to the worst circle of hell  
  
Kain: what's that?  
  
Raziel: nothing but Moebius's and they're horny and gay  
  
Kain: eeepppp! BAD MENTAL IMAGE  
  
Raziel: if you let me down you won't get sent there ok  
  
Kain: DEAL!  
  
*kain cuts down raziel with his claws*  
  
Raziel: ahhhhh free at last!  
  
Marcus:BOW WOW *translation: so what I'm four*  
  
*raziel falls and splits in half*  
  
Kain: oohh talk about pain  
  
Raziel: just wait a minute *goes spectral and comes back*  
  
Kain: what the hell...  
  
Raziel: As the Elder god's agent I am beyond death..and taxes  
  
Kain: you work for a giant squid?..wait beyond taxes? You lucky bastard  
  
Raziel: used to.then he took away my reaver so I made calamari out of him. I want my reaver back  
  
Kain: well I'm going to see the wizard of Noz to see if he can help me go home..maybe he can give you a reaver..and a brain too you look like you could use one  
  
Raziel: fine lets go.  
  
*raziel starts singing*  
  
Raziel: we're off to see the wizard.THE BLOOD SUCKING WIZARD OF NOZ!!!!!  
  
Kain: stop that  
  
Raziel: fine.spoilsport.  
  
*raziel sings quietly to himself* Raziel: we're off to see the wizard.the blood sucking wizard of noz  
  
Kain: I SAID STOP THAT  
  
Raziel: fine..*under his breath* ..bastard  
  
Kain: I heard that!  
  
Raziel: bastard, bastard bastard bastard!  
  
Kain: will you please stop that  
  
Raziel: oh bitch bitch bitch..  
  
*several hours later*  
  
Kain: where are we?  
  
Raziel: dunno.maybe you should ask him *raziel indicates the figure of a man with an axe*  
  
Kain: who's he?  
  
Raziel: I dunno..go say hi or something  
  
Kain: go on then  
  
Raziel: hey I was talking to you not myself idiot  
  
Kain: I know that, I answered for you  
  
Raziel: fine fine..I'll go talk to him  
  
*raziel walks up to the man*  
  
Kain: Well?  
  
Raziel: he's made of metal..did I hear something?  
  
Kain: what?  
  
Raziel: I'm sure I heard something.he's asking for oil!  
  
Kain: brilliant.  
  
Raziel: hey cut him some slack he's made of metal and he's rusty as hell *raziel grabs oil can and oils the tin man*  
  
Malek: ahhhh that's better.. I can move again...  
  
Kain: uhh hi  
  
Malek: oh hi vampire...VAMPIRE! DIEEEEEEE!!  
  
Raziel: lighten up man  
  
Malek: oh so sorry I do that sometimes...  
  
Raziel: how'd you get stuck out here and rusted like this  
  
Malek: well one day I offended my wife ,who's a powerful sorceress, and she turned me into a metal man and made it rain..so I rusted  
  
Kain: that has to suck  
  
Malek: yeah forty years frozen in this position does suck  
  
Raziel: well..anything we can do for you?  
  
Malek: yeah I'd like to get back my heart and my body  
  
Kain: well.as I told him earlier I'm gonna see the wizard of Noz to get home and get him a reaver.you can come with us to get a heart too..if you want  
  
Malek: deal  
  
Raziel: well let's get going  
  
Moebius: not so fast my pretties! AHAHAHAHAHA *COUGH COUGH HACK HACK* owww.. Well anyway time to die *shoot's a material reaver at raziel* .how about a couple millennia in limbo soul reaver!  
  
Raziel: AHHHHH *cowers behind kain* I don't wanna go in the sword..no it's bad. don't let it get me *splits in half* OWWWW  
  
Kain: pull yourself together.literally  
  
Malek: ahhh evil witch  
  
Moebius: hey..I'd have to be female to be a witch.I'm a timestreamer idiot  
  
Kain: you look girly enough to me  
  
Moebius: GRRRR I'll get you.and your little dog too.but not now, I've got a gay pride meeting *disappears in a puff of pink smoke*  
  
Kain: well that was weird  
  
Malek: tell me about it  
  
Raziel *shifting back* : what did I miss?  
  
Kain: not much *they all begin walking*  
  
Malek & Raziel *singing* : we're off to see the wizard.the BLOOD SUCKING WIZARD OF NOZ  
  
Kain: AGHHHHHHH *runs off screaming*  
  
Raziel: he'll be back  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Blood of Angels: please please please review!  
  
Kouga-Chan: this is a once in a life time offer..the first five reviewers will get limited edition soul reavers  
  
*raziel cowers behind blood of angels*  
  
Raziel: I don't wanna go in the sword anything but the sword.please review 


	4. The Cowardly Ancient & Killer Mums

The Cowardly Ancient and Killer Mums  
  
Blood of Angels: greetings readers and reviewers here is another installment of Legacy of OZZZZZ  
  
Kouga-Chan: well we got one review, so let me announce a new feature, check after the chapter for a reviewer only offer, it usually has something to do with moebius so review and enjoy  
  
Blood of Angels: anyway lets acknowledge our reviewer  
  
Tom T. Thompson: thanks for the compliment, And because you've been the only continuous reviewer we'll give you a free baseball bat complete with the Sarafan Lord tied to a tree..enjoy  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^  
  
* Scene opens in a dark forest*  
  
Kain: where are we?  
  
Raziel: I dunno hey let's sing something  
  
Kain: you do and I will kill you  
  
Malek: aww come on you pansy  
  
Kain: absolutely not, this dress is bad enough  
  
Raziel: hey look you've got a rack now kain  
  
Kain: what *notices his breasts* AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*animals and birds flee in terror*  
  
Author: sing or they stay there  
  
Kain: AHHHHHHH! OK OK OK PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THAT  
  
Author: SING!  
  
Raziel: yay!  
  
Kain: fine..  
  
Author: solo  
  
Kain: WHAT!  
  
Author: you heard me  
  
Kain: arghhh fine *sings* somewhere..over the headstone..I see a cloudy day..SOMEWHERE OVER THE HEADSTONE!......better?  
  
Author: yes *breasts disappear*  
  
Kain: PRAISE ALLAH!  
  
Raziel: Allah?  
  
Kain: ummmhh I mean uhhh PRAISE THE LORD!  
  
Malek: who's he?  
  
Kain: uhmmm...never mind  
  
Raziel: weird  
  
Malek: wait I've heard of this place it's called Termogent forest..it's inhabited by a horrible scary ancient  
  
Kain: really...what else  
  
Malek: well Sarafan and Hylden  
  
Kain: ok now you're scaring me  
  
Kain, Malek, and Raziel: Ancients and Sarafan and Hylden  
  
Kain: oh my  
  
Kain, Malek, and Raziel: Ancients and Sarafan and Hylden  
  
Kain: OH MY  
  
*suddenly a blue ancient leaps out and snarls*  
  
Janos: GRRRRRR  
  
Kain: bad ancient *slap* you should be ashamed of yourself, scaring travelers like that  
  
Janos: Owwww *cries* ARGGG..why'd you slap me? I'm just a cowardly ancient..why I'm even scared of my own shadow  
  
Kain: oh you pathetic ancient, maybe you can come with us and see the Wizard of Noz.he might give you some courage  
  
Janos: Oh thank you thank you thank you..*cries* noone has ever been this nice to me *cries some more* AHHHHGGGGG IT BURNS!  
  
Kain: stop crying you pansy, pull yourself together for the love of god  
  
Raziel: well let's get going  
  
*After several boring hours of walking*  
  
Malek: I can see something!...... It's the Wizard's home  
  
Raziel: hey that's Meridian  
  
Malek: I know.he lives there  
  
Raziel: oh.....  
  
Kain: what the hell is with these flowers!  
  
Janos: Hmmmmm..maybe we should cross them to get to the city  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
Moebius: My name is Moebius.I'm a member of the circle of nine and I have something to say..I'm Gay  
  
Crowd: AGHHHHH! THAT'S NOT RIGHT BOOOOO! GET OFF THE STAGE FAG!  
  
Faustus: Man this is a Gay Haters Meeting, of which I am president  
  
Moebius: Oh SHIT! *runs away from precisely 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 murderous gay haters* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
*we'll leave him there for now let's check up on kain*  
  
Kain: wow this field never seems to end  
  
*they are now in the middle of the field*  
  
Janos: whoa I'm feeling tired *collapses*  
  
Raziel: hey you okay.Janos..JANOS NOOOO I'LL RECLAIM YOUR BLACK HEART!  
  
Kain: he wants courage.Malek wants a heart remember  
  
Raziel: oh right *collapses*  
  
Malek: oh shit I think I had too much port* collapses*  
  
Kain: what the hell *drunkenly* ivvv neverhh sheen thish befhor *collapses*  
  
(P.S. Mums are flowers)  
  
Mums: we've got them  
  
Mum1: I'm Hungry  
  
Mum2: Man being predatory sure beats being eaten by rabbits  
  
Mum1: Shut up and eat  
  
*suddenly a blast of icy wind freezes the killer mums*  
  
Mums: AGHHHHH IT FREEZES  
  
Old Man Winter: Sorry.beans are kick'n in  
  
Mums: AGHHH FROSTY FLATULENCE *mums 1 & 2 die*  
  
Mum3: MUST EAT *bites kain's ass and dies*  
  
Kain: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
*Once again animals and birds flee in terror and everyone wakes up*  
  
Kain: whew.I'm alive, the smell of gaseous salvation is in the air..  
  
Malek: did something die while I was asleep or what  
  
Raziel: aghhh something stinks.KAIN!  
  
Kain: Wasn't me  
  
Janos: the poor flowers.  
  
Raziel: they were going to eat us  
  
Janos: in that case DIE FLOWERS!...uh ahem sorry  
  
Kain: let's just get going.the smell of death hangs over this place  
  
Janos: EWWW! did you have sauerkraut last night Kain?  
  
Kain: just shut up  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^  
  
Kouga-Chan: did you enjoy this chapter.if so review  
  
Blood of Angels: if you do you will get your choice of a blunt object and Moebius tied to a chair  
  
Kouga-Chan: hope you enjoy 


	5. The wizard and his MEAT!

Kouga-Chan: well the review offer worked, we got more reviews YAY!  
  
Blood of Angels: well what now? Oohh I know, check after the chapter for a new reviewer offer  
  
Kouga-Chan: this one will be even better I guarantee it  
  
Blood of Angels: and now for something completely different..we have more reviews  
  
The Wizard and his MEAT!  
  
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Angel-Chan2: Your absolutely right, hey maybe you would enjoy beating moebius with that limited edition soul reaver..I'm sure it would be a lot of fun  
  
Tom T.Thompson: ahhhh yes our consistent reviewer, I hope you enjoyed beating the sarafan lord KICK HIS NUTS FOR ME *hears agonized scream* GOOD JOB*  
  
Flame of Corruption: glad you're enjoying it and one board with a nail it for you, here's moebius tied to a chair, enjoy angel chan just got done beating his ass, oh you might want a biohazard suit he just might spray "milk" as concept of a demon puts it again enjoy beating his ass  
  
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Kain V.O. : Ah meridian, the emerald city, I had heard legends of it from Malek, he said it's color came from the large amount of bean burritos the inhabitants ate, I would need a nose plug to survive  
  
Raziel: Meridian..The Emerald City  
  
Janos: Oh god it smells like a corpse  
  
Malek: The Disease.. IT'S SPREADING..corpses will litter the streets soon at this rate  
  
Janos: I wonder why *BRAPP* ah shit it's starting  
  
Kain: here it's Beano..it will help  
  
Janos: ah thanks  
  
Kain: well lets go to the gate..the wizard lives there and we need to see him  
  
Janos, Raziel, & and Malek: we're off to see the wizard..THE BLOOD SUCKING WIZARD OF NOZ  
  
Kain: AGHHHHHHHHH! *CRACK* OWWWWW  
  
In case you were wondering kain ran into the gate.but it was closed  
  
Raziel: idiot  
  
Janos: he must have a hard skull to have survived that  
  
Malek: no room left for his brain in there  
  
Janos: alas poor kain.I knew him well..well not really  
  
Kain: ohhh my head.what happened  
  
Janos: the evil one lives  
  
Kain: uhhh you're mixing me up with moebius.. all five of ya  
  
Malek: I think he hit his head too hard  
  
Gateman: who are you?  
  
Kain: we are travelers we have come to see the wizard  
  
Gateman: Go Away  
  
Janos: we can't see the wizard? *breaks down crying* AGHHHH PAIN!  
  
Kain: I'll get us to see the wizard if I have to die doing it  
  
Raziel: whatcha gonna do? Seduce the guard?...if you did you'd kill him  
  
Kain: you sick demented freak..how about if I threaten him within a inch of his life?  
  
Janos: too violent  
  
Kain: beat the shit out of him?  
  
Malek: wouldn't work he's behind walls  
  
Kain: please don't say I have to beg!  
  
*all knod*  
  
Kain: awww what a crock of crap  
  
Janos: just do it kain or else  
  
Kain: eeeppp! * kain begins begging and eventually gets let it*  
  
Kain: this city is a labyrinth  
  
Janos: I don't like mazes, they're scary  
  
Raziel: good god  
  
*after being groomed and cleaned in general ,but held down and scrubbed with steel wool for kain, our heros are in the square waiting to see the wizard*  
  
Kain: that steel wool hurt  
  
Malek: you're fault you wouldn't let them clean you without a fight  
  
Kain: I know but did they have to use steel wool  
  
Malek: how else would they get you clean?  
  
Kain: damn this is boring  
  
*Meanwhile in the air moebius is fleeing the gay murderers*  
  
Moebius: phew I think I lost them  
  
*suddenly flying gay murderers appear*  
  
Moebius: ah shit..well at least I die an honorable homo  
  
As if there is such a thing  
  
Moebius: AHHHHHHH *BRAPPP* AHHHHHH  
  
*moebius flatulates and the methane forms into words which say *  
  
Words: give me kain or else!  
  
Kain: what in the hell is that  
  
Moebius: ooops forgot something *BRAPPPP*  
  
*The words form into the shape of a hand with the middle finger raised*  
  
Kain: why you little DIE!  
  
Malek: don't kain.you'll foul yourself with homosexual blood  
  
*meanwhile the crowd is fleeing in terror*  
  
Faustus: Return to your homes..the wizard will take care of everything  
  
Mob: BUT WHO IS KAIN  
  
Mob Member1: I say we rip him apart and give him to the homo  
  
Mob: AYYE RIP HIS STINKIN HEAD OFF  
  
Faustus: RETURN TO YOUR HOMES THE WIZARD WILL HANDLE EVERYTHING  
  
Kain: suddenly I don't like these people  
  
*mob disperses*  
  
Kain: good sir can we speak to the wizard?  
  
Faustus: WHAT? NOONE SPEAKS TO THE WIZARD  
  
Kain: but please sir it's an emergency  
  
Faustus: Oh alright I'll ask him  
  
Kain: YAY!  
  
*after several minutes of singing by janos which we wont detail*  
  
Janos: HEY!  
  
*you might be a good vampire but your singing could raise the dead and kill them again*  
  
Kain: Amen  
  
Janos: GRRRR  
  
Kain: ummm I mean that was very mean of you oh most mighty and powerful authors  
  
Kouga-Chan & Blood of Angels: MUHAHAH  
  
Kain: Ahem.let's continue  
  
Faustus: THE WIZARD SAYS GO AWAY *slams door*  
  
Kain (loudly): oh now I'll never get home. and I'll never get to see rahab and dumah and turel and zephon again..hey wait a sec what am I thinking. WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ZEPHON!?  
  
Random Zephonim: I DO  
  
Kain: SCREW YOU IDIOT *kills zephonim*  
  
Raziel: that was uncalled for kain  
  
Kain: he lays eggs in the future  
  
Raziel: oh that's reassuring.one of my brothers a transvestite spider  
  
Faustus *crying*: I'm sorry I guess the wizard will see you now.go on ahead OWWW IT BURNS!!! AGHHHHH!  
  
* all four walk down the tunnel and come out in a large room*  
  
Mysterious Voice: I AM NOZ, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL..did you bring me MEAT? Did you? DID YOU?  
  
Kain: rigghhhtt  
  
Noz/ Magnus: STEP FORWARD MORSEL..SAY YOUR PART AND BEGONE..unless you have for MEAT for MAGNUS!  
  
Raziel: ok freaky..a meat obsessed wizard  
  
Janos: AHHH HE'S SCARY...HE'S GONNA EAT MY HEART *faints*  
  
Raziel: oh no not AGAIN..poor janos..he had a heart attack  
  
Kain: Look what you did you cruel bastard..you gave him a heart attack  
  
Magnus: HAHAHA with his lack of a heart that's ironic  
  
Malek: well can you help us  
  
Magnus: yes but for a price..you must kill the wicked timestreamer of the west and bring me his snake staff...and MEAT.. Awww screw the staff. JUST BRING MEAT!.....oh yeah and the staff  
  
Malek: where can we find him?  
  
Magnus: In the west..at the church called our lady of perpetual homosexuality..AND BRING MEAT!  
  
Kain: right well lets get going  
  
*magnus begins to sing*  
  
Magnus: MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT..MUST BE FRIED..MUST BE POACHED...MUST BE GRILLED MEAT!  
  
Kain: AHHHHGHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!! *runs away screaming*  
  
Magnus: EIGHT MEATS ARE SIXTY FOUR STEAKS MULTIPLIED BY SEVEN..WHEN IT DONE BRING ME MORE AND ONE THOUSAND TIMES ELEVEN MEAT MEAT MEAT!  
  
Janos, Raziel, and Malek: AGHHHHHH RUN AWAY *they follow kain*  
  
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Blood of Angels: now our reviewer offer.review and get a free sharp object and moebius tied to a pole..biohazard suits required to participate  
  
Kouga-Chan: hope you enjoyed.review please.we enjoy reviews..but we hate flames 


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